We’ve heard the phrase, “God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.”
What do you do when you don’t feel like God is being good ? Especially not all the time!?
If we were honest with ourselves and the world, we would say that we do not feel good about God all the time… I know as a Christian I’m not suppose to say that. In reality there is times I feel bitter, angry, hurt, and even jealous. I especially don’t feel good towards God at times. So why does this phrase bother me so much, you may wonder. Let me explain.
A few weeks back I mustered up the courage to get out into the church world again and socialize. This may not be a big step to most people, but after walking in grief; small times like this is a huge accomplishment. I still struggle with anxiety of crowds, others children at times, questions that maybe asked and throw me off guard, and even comments that I may not know how to handle. So I signed up to go to the church fundraiser brunch. The speaker quoted this quote, “God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.” As I sat there listing to everyone repeat the phrase, I realized I couldn’t say that. Instead I found myself questioning the goodness of God himself…
Pushing this back to the dark corners of my mind, I tried to deny my feelings about this phase. I tried to hide how I truly felt from God himself… Days passed and more overwhelming feeling built upon feelings I had pushed asides and tried to hide, just fueling my fire. I soon became so bitter I refused to let them go and questioned God and my faith even more. Finally one day I became so mad that I blurred out to God, “If your “sooo” good all the time and you know desires & needs of our hearts, why are you allowing me to suffer and hurt so badly? What’s good about that?” One would think that blowing off steam would make you feel better, but when your mad at God it just makes you even more mad when you don’t get an answer…
Then November hit… The beginning of a month of thankfulness and grateful quotes floating around on social media… This just fanned the flames even more. What do I possibly have to be thankful for? So like an angry teenager, I slammed my spiritual door on God and went to hide and cry. Hurt, angry, and confused I hid. I hid from my feelings. I hid from the wounds I cannot hide. I hid from my world that has crumbled and will never be the same. I hid from my family and friends. I hid, because although I wanted comfort, I didn’t want to be comforted… I just wanted to be mad for awhile.
So then it brings me to the now….
God is good, all the time. All the time? God is good? – Yes. Here’s how I know…
In my act of rage, God knew I was hurting. Instead of fighting with me, telling me how wrong I was- he let me be…. Instead of trying to put out my “flames”. He let my fire burn out. And when the time was right, he gently came in , slowly opened my spiritual door & asked , “Are you done yet?” .
You see it took a simple quote that sent me overboard for me to see clearly again. It also took a simple song to remind me that even if I’m a broken, shattered, or an angry mess- he still loves me & will put me back together again. We are just beautiful messes.
That is why God is good. Although we question him, he doesn’t leave. The Bible is also is written about people feeling things just like I am writing about if you stop and think about it. The Bible isn’t written about people who are happy all the time with no worries, or fears, or hurts. It’s written about people who have lost children, struggled in life, are angry, confused, hurting, are sick and dying. It’s written about people like me who let one simple phrase rock their world, but also how they allowed God to show them goodness in pain, light in the darkness, strength in weakness, and life in death.
So yeah, I was and can be a bitter Christian at times. I still ask God Why my son was chosen to die? I still question his mercy at times & if he is sending me to voicemail. I’m not a perfect Christian, but neither was Hannah, Sarah, Mary, Peter, or Paul. They all cried out to God in fear, pain, anger, anxiety, and other feelings I could write about all day. So why are we trying to hide them when we really are breaking inside? Why do we try to act “together” when we clearly are not? It’s time we take off our church masks and start talking about our real problems. Pain is real, but God is a “pain reliever” . Just like a Tylenol, you have to be willing to open the “bottle” and “take as needed for pain”… God is the same way… You have to be willing to open your “bible” & “take as needed for pain”. He’s not going to punish you for having feelings, but we are scared of God. We are scared to be bold in pray and talk to him about how we feel. We think we have to say cute prayers and feel good things to make God happy, but actually it’s the opposite. Sometimes all I can get out to say is – nothing. Sometimes all I can do is cry. But God would rather have tears & peaceful silence in his presence then fake emotions.
So if you too are questioning Gods goodness, your not alone… Trials in the life are hard. It’s been a year and 5 months since I lost my son, and everyday I am shocked about feelings I have. I grieve still and will always grieve because of the love I have for my son. God knows this. God, I believe, does not hate me for that- he just wants me to run to him instead of my spiritual bedroom and hid. I know deep in my heart that God has a plan for me. I just may not always agree on his timing or ways, but that’s ok. I’m learning patience, I suppose. And as long as God will lead me- I’ll be ok…
(Angel Mom to Rhett Alec)