The Bible talks in Ecclesiastes 3 about seasons, but it’s always easy to “talk” about things; especially the weather & its seasons. When living this life; it’s hard to understand & accept seasons of change. It’s hard to adapt at times to new seasons, even if there good. I just wanted to share my “seasons”, & how at times the “in between seasons” are equally important.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 starts off with:
“To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven.”
That in fact states that in life, we will under go things of change . Just like the trees themselves, we too must under go growth. Somethings may even hurt.
The next few verses, (I may skip around), are my season of pain. My season of doubt. My season of sorrow, grief, feelings of abandonment, and my season of death. Unfortunately the Bible says I’m verse 3:2 of Ecclesiastes: “A time to be born,
And a time to die.” It’s pretty cut & dry there. No sugar coating those words at all. There is no maybes in that sentence. Just life & death.
I remember the first time I felt “life”. Those little lines on the monitor for the first time. Hearing your child’s heartbeat, meant life. It was a time fo Joy. A time of excitement. Even a time of nervousness, but no doubt life. It feels like yesterday at times. Firsts heartbeats, first kicks, first movements in the screen in from of you. All you have is big dreams ahead. You and your husband pick out names, reveal gender to your family, and just like that your family grows by two feet.
Rhett was our season of life. Our season of firsts. He still is our joy, even after two years this year in June. Children do grow fast just as they say. Wether it be here on Earth or in Heaven, their still your baby.
Our season of life soon turned into season of death. Like an Oklahoma twister tearing its way through the plains destroying everything in its path. It’s a chaotic feeling. Dreams start to turn into harsh reality. Future plans ripped from your heart like wooden beams being torn from a sturdy home. Only two things are certain in life. Life & death.
After a storm, like a tornado, there is a calmness. It’s not really a peaceful feeling, but more like a “what just happened” feeling. There is no more winds. The rain has ceased & the damage is to be looked at. You don’t want to get out of your cellar to find that your home has been destroyed. Just like a tornado tearing down a home, so was my life. I was standing then in a pile of shattered dreams, broken heart, and what could have beens. Just as it was bricks, tin, and walls….
Ecclesiastes 3:4 “A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn,And a time to dance. ”
Weeping isn’t even close to the pain that flowed from my eyes. It was if the dam broke loose, the flood waters rose, and the waters that had so much force flooding my eyes and streams down my face. Although I knew this verse- I did not know how long weeping and mourning would have to take place before you could get to laughing and dancing again.
Dark clouds circled my world for months/ years. Skies were burdened with storms or angry & whys bursting in my soul like thunder & lighting. Tears often fell like raindrops, even like pop up showers in least expected places. These seasons are not ones I signed up for. This season like a cold winter breeze, blowing in without warning freezing everything in sight. That was how I felt being through into this season. There was no tornado sirens, no weather updates, or notifications to ignore. I often wondered if I would ever experience the seasons of joy again or if my life was just sorrow and tears? Was this Gods plan?
Ecclesiastes 3:3 “ A time to heal;A time to break down,And a time to build up.“
Then there was a time, God & I spoke. He showed me that with each season, there is change. If I was in sorrow now- He would bring joy. He wouldn’t have wrote it if it wasn’t true. God cannot lie. He showed me it was time to allow Him to heal me. To rebuild my heart, pick up the shattered glass of my life and allow me to break down. He assured me however that He would catch me. With this season of healing, you must trust God. That wasn’t always easy. I do have break downs. I did stop the building process Many times. I was scared of God taking all my pain from me. If I had no pain, would it mean I had no memories? If I didn’t cry anymore would it mean I didn’t love Rhett? With each question God answered. His love showed me that it’s ok to not like these “seasons”. In fact he showed me how in the storm he was there. He showed me how his hand was in my life, Rhett’s life, & how he would not fail me now. This season was a tough one, but a necessary one. It was a season I dreaded. I didn’t want to let go of my pain. I didn’t want God to heal me at times. With every season, there comes another…
Then there came a season of nothing…. It’s not written in Ecclesiastes, don’t search you won’t find it. There is a moment of nothing. Your not healed, but your not mourning. Your not joyful, but your not dancing. You feel strange about how you should feel. Your not laughing daily, but not crying daily. Your in an odd season. This season is a season of waiting . The hardest season in away. This season hurts just as much as the season of mourning.
During my season of waiting, I often wondered if God Still could see me. Did he care? Did he have enough of my complaining and go on? During this season I threw fits like a child. I felt as if my prayers were screams of pain and confusion. I wasn’t getting answers but I wasn’t feeling different either. That’s when I had to learn Ecclesiastes 3:7 “A time to keep silence,And a time to speak.” In this silence, I had to wait upon the Lords will. Not knowing what that maybe. Would I only have an angel baby, or would he allow another? Would we live forever with loving our child from afar, or would we have to travel more difficult routes? The season looked grim. Then as the leaves begin to turn green with life in the spring, so did mine.
The season of joy arose. I didn’t know how to take this season. I still do not know. This season for me feels better than the others, yet the anxiety from the storm still arises in my soul. The what if’s from the seasons before make my joy feel more like uncomfortable awarkard moments. Like your trying to maneuver from junior high to high school again. It’s a season that is beautiful! Yet you check everything over and over again making sure your didn’t miss a thing. Since your been through life & death, you cannot see the world in full color anymore. You often see the black & white version first.
I have came to understand that you or I will never understand these seasons. I will never understand why my Rhett had to go and why my Selah took so long to get here. God says in Ecclesiastes 3:11-12
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end. I know that nothing is better for them than to rejoice, and to do good in their lives.”
I know from those verses that God is real, he cares for me, he has a plan even when I cannot see, & to should rejoice even in bad- he will do great things. Is that easy to do? No! Praising God in the storm is hard! Trusting Gods timing, is tough! If we allow the seasons to grow us, in time we will become beautiful creations and unique Christians . Made by the one and only God who can see the future, yet cares enough about or feelings in the present to help us make it through.
Maybe you or a loved one is experiencing these seasons . Maybe you cannot see the why? I encourage you to speak with God daily. Even if it comes out as child like tantrums. I encourage you to trust him. I know from experience this is not easy, but if you try he will help you the rest of the way. Seasons come & seasons go. Just because you heal doesn’t mean you won’t remember the scar. I still love Rhett even if I don’t cry every second of the day. That’s because of God and him alone. We may not welcome the season of change, but God knew you would be here . Let him guide you into the next. Even if it does feel awarkard. He will show you how to dance again….even in the pouring rain. Just remember to rejoice.
Thanks for reading!
-Marli-
Angel Mom to Rhett &
Rainbow Mom to Selah
