There’s many times in life where we question “Is God Still there….”. Most of the time we ask this when grief strikes, our faith is shaken, or we simply have to make make a tough decision. Where that’s where you are tonight, or you just feel alone, let me tell you through experience I can tell you he does see you, he does care, and he has not forgotten you.
Many if you know by now my story. Many of you know the road of grief I have had to walk alone on earth. Many of you have read the blog post, seen the photos, or even been in the trench’s with me. What you don’t know or see is what my life was before. Sure it looked perfectly fine, & to be honest there isn’t much pain in my past. Yes, I lost family members whom I loved dearly, but it never shook me to the core like loosing Rhett. I never had to question God, my faith, or life in general before loosing Rhett. I never had to question if God’s ways were the right ways. I just knew that what the Bible said was what was right. I never had to put my faith on trail. I always knew the answers based on the verses, but I didn’t know the answers personally. I remember hearing of others accounts of Gods faith in others lives. How God showed them how he was real. How God saved them from situations in life. I remember hearing these stories and questioning my faith. It wasn’t until I had to put my faith on the line and really had to make the choice to truly trust God in ways that I couldn’t see him, is where I learned Gods true ways.
Weeks after loosing Rhett I was faced with the fact of having to accept that this was just Gods plan or going against Gods ways and telling him I didn’t agree with him. I remember yelling at God- telling him I didn’t agree. That he didn’t love me. That he didn’t understand anything or any of the pain. I remember clearly screaming why over and over again…. Yet I also remember the first answer I got from God. One that I still hear. One that I cannot deny.
“I too have one son. I too had to watch him die. I too had to hurt that my son died. I lost a son like you, therefore I do know your pain…”
Pain.. God not only seen it, but he knew what I felt. I still felt pain, but knowing that God could truly understand when no one else could touched me in ways I cannot wrote down. His son (Jesus) died for me, you, the world. God had to turn his back on Jesus during that time because he took on the sin of the world and God cannot see sin. It was that time he had to fell as if his son was no longer with him, just like grief does for us. Pain, that we read of – but only some feel.
I then searched for the whys in life. Why didn’t he save Rhett. He saved many children in the Bible. Why did he allow my son to die. Why did he choose us? Why? As I dug and dug, I never got all the answers, but there where some I did find. He did save my child… He didn’t bring him to life again on Earth, but he did heal him. God knew his pain that I did not. God knew that to heal him like we were praying was to heal him 100% in heaven. The why us, is just like Job. Job questioned God but he never denied him. The devil tempted Job many times. He killed his family, he took his home and cattle etc, he had friends tell him to tell God off- yet Job held on. Job suffered mentally, emotionally, & physically. And like Job was tested- so were we. We had to make a choice. I couldn’t make Shawn’s choice and he couldn’t make mine. The devil took our son, he took our world, he shook our faith, yet he lost. Our son is alive in heaven, our faith has became stronger, and he still has to face the facts that he lost. Just like Job, God found favor- and although I know this life has pain, hurts, and loss, God will show is comfort. God also showed that there are many reasons and ways I will never know on this side of heaven because my mind cannot contain or understand it. God has allowed us to see his hand in Rhett’s short life. And looking at Gods hand now, is amazing to see. That tells me that he did not leave me, or forget me, but had a plan.
Now I have to trust that God will allow the pain to transform into joy, joy that at times I do not know how to take. There are times I still feel alone. I still feel like God has let me walk through fire just to leave me, but it’s not true. When those things are told to me I have to stop and think “Who’s telling me these things.”. The devil tempted Eve in the garden, telling her things that twisted Gods words. And the devil still uses those tactics. The devil wants us to feel alone, forgotten, and live in pain. Every time we choose God or to share our stories of faith, he looses. So that’s why I have make the choice to not only choose God, but to tell Rhett’s story. To show Rhett’s love and Gods to reach others in grief. Grief will always be a part of me and my story, but God is using this grief to heal me and others slowly.
So maybe you are feeling left out, alone, used, or something- but ask “who is telling you those things?” If it’s not God then it’s not true. God does love you. He is there even when you cannot see him now. He’s going to use this pain to help you understand someone else’s pain. You have to chose however to trust God or to deny him. No one can choose that for you. So dig. Dig in the Bible. Search, pray, and don’t be afraid to ask the whys . He will be there for you. You have to let him in.
Thank you and prayers for you all.
*Angel Mom to Rhett
*Rainbow Mom to Selah