When you feel alone

There’s many times in life where we question “Is God Still there….”. Most of the time we ask this when grief strikes, our faith is shaken, or we simply have to make make a tough decision. Where that’s where you are tonight, or you just feel alone, let me tell you through experience I can tell you he does see you, he does care, and he has not forgotten you.

Many if you know by now my story. Many of you know the road of grief I have had to walk alone on earth. Many of you have read the blog post, seen the photos, or even been in the trench’s with me. What you don’t know or see is what my life was before. Sure it looked perfectly fine, & to be honest there isn’t much pain in my past. Yes, I lost family members whom I loved dearly, but it never shook me to the core like loosing Rhett. I never had to question God, my faith, or life in general before loosing Rhett. I never had to question if God’s ways were the right ways. I just knew that what the Bible said was what was right. I never had to put my faith on trail. I always knew the answers based on the verses, but I didn’t know the answers personally. I remember hearing of others accounts of Gods faith in others lives. How God showed them how he was real. How God saved them from situations in life. I remember hearing these stories and questioning my faith. It wasn’t until I had to put my faith on the line and really had to make the choice to truly trust God in ways that I couldn’t see him, is where I learned Gods true ways.

Weeks after loosing Rhett I was faced with the fact of having to accept that this was just Gods plan or going against Gods ways and telling him I didn’t agree with him. I remember yelling at God- telling him I didn’t agree. That he didn’t love me. That he didn’t understand anything or any of the pain. I remember clearly screaming why over and over again…. Yet I also remember the first answer I got from God. One that I still hear. One that I cannot deny.

“I too have one son. I too had to watch him die. I too had to hurt that my son died. I lost a son like you, therefore I do know your pain…”

Pain.. God not only seen it, but he knew what I felt. I still felt pain, but knowing that God could truly understand when no one else could touched me in ways I cannot wrote down. His son (Jesus) died for me, you, the world. God had to turn his back on Jesus during that time because he took on the sin of the world and God cannot see sin. It was that time he had to fell as if his son was no longer with him, just like grief does for us. Pain, that we read of – but only some feel.

I then searched for the whys in life. Why didn’t he save Rhett. He saved many children in the Bible. Why did he allow my son to die. Why did he choose us? Why? As I dug and dug, I never got all the answers, but there where some I did find. He did save my child… He didn’t bring him to life again on Earth, but he did heal him. God knew his pain that I did not. God knew that to heal him like we were praying was to heal him 100% in heaven. The why us, is just like Job. Job questioned God but he never denied him. The devil tempted Job many times. He killed his family, he took his home and cattle etc, he had friends tell him to tell God off- yet Job held on. Job suffered mentally, emotionally, & physically. And like Job was tested- so were we. We had to make a choice. I couldn’t make Shawn’s choice and he couldn’t make mine. The devil took our son, he took our world, he shook our faith, yet he lost. Our son is alive in heaven, our faith has became stronger, and he still has to face the facts that he lost. Just like Job, God found favor- and although I know this life has pain, hurts, and loss, God will show is comfort. God also showed that there are many reasons and ways I will never know on this side of heaven because my mind cannot contain or understand it. God has allowed us to see his hand in Rhett’s short life. And looking at Gods hand now, is amazing to see. That tells me that he did not leave me, or forget me, but had a plan.

Now I have to trust that God will allow the pain to transform into joy, joy that at times I do not know how to take. There are times I still feel alone. I still feel like God has let me walk through fire just to leave me, but it’s not true. When those things are told to me I have to stop and think “Who’s telling me these things.”. The devil tempted Eve in the garden, telling her things that twisted Gods words. And the devil still uses those tactics. The devil wants us to feel alone, forgotten, and live in pain. Every time we choose God or to share our stories of faith, he looses. So that’s why I have make the choice to not only choose God, but to tell Rhett’s story. To show Rhett’s love and Gods to reach others in grief. Grief will always be a part of me and my story, but God is using this grief to heal me and others slowly.

So maybe you are feeling left out, alone, used, or something- but ask “who is telling you those things?” If it’s not God then it’s not true. God does love you. He is there even when you cannot see him now. He’s going to use this pain to help you understand someone else’s pain. You have to chose however to trust God or to deny him. No one can choose that for you. So dig. Dig in the Bible. Search, pray, and don’t be afraid to ask the whys . He will be there for you. You have to let him in.

Thank you and prayers for you all.

-Marli

*Angel Mom to Rhett

*Rainbow Mom to Selah

The Garden

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n5gRgJhCue4
(Song in the link)

Two years ago in June, I came a crossed a song called “The Garden”. It was fairly new at the time & to me the melody was soothing, but it was the words that drew me in.

I was deep in grief during this time. I found this song weeks after Rhett had went to heaven, & I was searching for things that could help ease the pain or even compare to it. I would play this song while I cried, while I felt angry, or even when I could feel nothing at all.

Yes, I know it’s “just a song”…but this “song” has changed over the years for me. God has taken a simple song and showed me so much. At first he was showing me that he seen me. That he could feel and understand my hurt, my pain, my loss…. He was telling me that he knew I was searching for anything that could heal my pain; heal my soul….

I would listen to this song and cry out – “Just heal me already!” – “If you see me, then why let me suffer?!”… I couldn’t see what he could see then. I could see the plan he had. I still cannot see all of the plan, however today this song is changing. I don’t just understand “half” of the song, but all of it.

The first part says :

“I had all, but given up. Desperate for a sign of love. Something good, something kind… Bringing peace to every corner of my mind.”

In grief I literally wanted to quiet. I wanted to lay in my bed, hid away from the world, wilt away and never to be found. I didn’t want to try anymore, because trying hurts. I couldn’t feel Gods love in this pain and I wondered what was the point of it? I couldn’t feel the peace of death, I couldn’t understand Gods peace that was being spoken to me. My mind would race, my head would what if, and pain embraces my heart so much….that the pieces of it was shattered everywhere on the floor. Yet, I had no will, no strength to pick them up… That is what that first part means to me…

The second part says:

“Then I saw the garden. Hope had come to me. To sweep away the ashes, and wake me from my sleep.”

You see when months pass during grief, you start to see small small tiny details of love that God has for you. When you cry, he’s there. When your angry, he’s still there. So the tiny pieces of my soul that was crushed so finely – he started to sweep away. To remold me. To remake me. To reform me into something I didn’t know.

But up until two years, I couldn’t understand the rest of the song… I avoid it. I stopped listening to it, why? Because it hurt to much to hope that God actually had a plan of hope for me.

I was struggling with my son’s death. I then struggled with infertility and the unknown if God would even allow us to try again. Even if a child was part of his plan for us…

A year first passed and I listened to the song again. This time I could understand another part of the song. When I realized that I bawled. Thinking why have I doubted God, but he knew I was hurt. God does see that stuff.

We often forget that he hurt many of times. Jesus wept in the garden as he sweated beads of blood while praying that God would come up with a different plan… He was scared and hurting then in the garden. He had people with him but they feel asleep. And that my friends is just like grief. We are in that garden begging God to bring back our loved one. Heal them, save them, or take the grief from us. We have people around us, but after awhile they too fall asleep and we are left alone scared and praying by ourselves…

The third part says:

“I realized, you never left. And for this moment, you planned ahead. That I could see, your faithfulness in all of the grief. ”

That’s when I knew God had a hand in everything Rhett and us went through. God held our hands that day, those months, these years- and he was allowing me to see little things. He showed me that he allowed us to make memories with Rhett in peace – not knowing the outcome. If we would have known we wouldn’t have knew peace and love with him. He planned everything and knew the road we would have to walk. God doesn’t take away, the devil does. He kills, steals, and destroys. God was showing me slowly that he was still there through my fears, grief, and doubts. That he loved me even now.

Part four of the song:

“I can see the ivy, growing through the walls. Cause you will stop at nothing; to heal my broken soul. I can see the ivy, reaching through the walls. You will stop at nothing ; to heal my broken soul.”

Ivy… I knew that ivy was a garden plant that would take over, but did you know that ivy is one of the most hardest plants in earth? Ivy is a plant that can grow even if it’s been knocked down, killed, stepped on, etc., it will find a way back to life. It can withstand cold, heat, & even drought at times. Ivy is tough… so ivy? God is the ivy! Nothing can stop God. Nothing can break God. Even yours and mine broken hearts can’t stop God. Those cracks that the ivy is growing through in this song is God filling my heart. Healing me from within. He was filling me with ivy, to be strong enough to stand one day and tell my story. To be strong enough to stand beside someone else in grief and say, “I know how you feel truly. God does heal.” . Ivy grows towards the sun like a sunflower.

The vines will take off. And it wasn’t until this week that Shawn and I was talking about a vine in my yard that something clicked… Shawn said, “I always thought vines were cool. Mainly because you can take one vine and make it start growing and wrapping around another place in a fence,etc., and make it go where you want it to…” Whoa… light bulb moment happened. If God is ivy, and ivy is a tough plant. God can literally pick and choose what vine goes in what direction in order for healing to occur. So even if I could t see that vine at the time, it was already growing where it needed to be…

Which brings me to the last part of the song.

“Faith is rising up like ivy, reaching for the light. Hope is stirring deep inside me, making all things right. Love is lifting me from sorrow, catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment crushing all my fears….. Now I see redemption. Growing in the trees. The death and resuscitation in every single seed.”

Pain brought me to a knew realize of faith. Faith then helped me heal. The God through struggles, planted hope inside me, that showed me his perfect love. Love that then sent us a rainbow. And with this rainbow he has shown me that the devil lies, and God keeps promises. With this knew found faith, God crushed fears (when I allow him- because sometimes I still try to do things on my own…) and he shown me that little things like a blog post, a remembering Rhett’s love box, or even a comment etc, can plant a seed for someone else’s hope to grow. And that may be part of the plan I don’t know… But God does..

In my garden, there was once a hole in my heart, filled with tears of love for Rhett… The hole was muddy, nasty looking even, and my garden looked terrible. Over the years the gardener came in. He tilled the muddy mess, and even though my tears for Rhett still rained, he used it for his purpose. He planted flowers there. Faith, hope, & love. He planted things that would grow and even grew some ivy there too. And over time, my garden sprouted and bloomed. My heart garden looks different now. The tears for Rhett Still water this garden, but it’s no longer a messy muddy hole. I cannot see this garden from Gods view, so I cannot tell you what’s all there. Walking through it, it’s amazing! It looks like a mess at times, but it’s beautiful and perfect. God can take any garden and make it into a beautiful place again. Just like this songs says. This 11th will mark 2years since I set eyes on my precious angel son. But it also marks two years closer to seeing him again. And although he isn’t here physically, he picks flowers often in my garden of love. I believe God let him pick certain kinds of flowers just for me. And until I can see what they see above this world, I will hold on to the hope that God replanted in me… tears still happen… tough days still reoccur, but I know God and I know I will be in heaven one day. But until then I’ll have to talk to the garden in the garden, allowing him to replant, weed, and water this beautiful mess once again.

-Marli

Angel Mom to Rhett

Rainbow Mom to Selah