Feeling like Mary…

Christmas Eve is here and it’s a tad unbelievable. How could the year fly by so fast? For me it’s more like, “How is all the things I’ve prayed for here and all the firsts I missed now I am getting to see.” It’s a difficult and joyful time. Just like I believe Mary felt.

Mary was told she would carry the Messiah. I can imagine she believed, yet she didn’t understand how when it happened how it would feel… Just like Mary I’m feeling that too this Christmas. Two years I’ve prayed for another chance. For two years I’ve missed first things, first steps, first coos, first everything. And God answered those prayers and sent a child. Just like Mary, her child was sent to save the world from sin. To save her from sin. Just like Mary my child came to heal and save me from despair.

Mary held Jesus that night, in awe of him. I imagine him looking at her smiling at the woman who would care for him and trusted God. She pondered those moments. I imagine her heart being overwhelmed and overflowing with joy. Just like Mary this Christmas I feel that same emotions. Overwhelming, overflowing, unbelievable emotions that I thought would never happen again.

This Christmas maybe the pray you’ve prayed hasn’t been answered yet. Keep praying ! God hears you. But this Christmas be like Mary. Trusting God with his plan. Yet taking time to slow down and ponder on all the small moments in life, allowing them to be written on your heart. Just like Mary, cling to Jesus this season. He may have came into this world as a baby, but He is able to save you. A baby changes everything. A baby can save you from despair.

Merry Christmas to all & a Happy New Year!


Angel mom to Rhett

Rainbow mom to Selah

Looking back

Most people say “Don’t live in the past, only in the present.”, but sometimes we have to look back to see how far we have came. This morning I was going over something’s with God that was bothering me, and when I opened my bible this page was what I turned to.

– Yes this is a page from my personal life. I like to underline, write in, draw, and paper clip photos etc in my bible. Today I’m glad I took the time to do this. –

As many of you know in 2017 my husband and I lost our first and only son. Rhett was and is still very much loved and missed and holidays make it tough still. You never really “get over” loosing a child; you just learn to live in the pain and cope; but after Rhett we had trouble trying to have another child. I was just about to give up after 2 years of it, when we found out about Selah. And in September of 2019 she arrived and has been a joy. As every mother knows trying to balance life and getting to read your bible isn’t always the easiest thing especially with a newborn. Small talks here and there with God, but still needing that extra time and pulled between needing sleep too, but today I got to spend some extra time as I watch Selah napping in her swing.

Psalms has always been my go to book, even my daughter’s name came from this book.

Psalms 126:5-6 says – “Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping bearing seeds for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.”

Many years I have sowed in tears. My garden was flooded with them. My spiritual garden felt as if nothing would ever grow. But just as plant a flower, it will eventually bloom. And I have gotten a flower.

Psalms 127:3 – “Behold, children are heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.”

Psalms 128:1 – “Blessed is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways.”

Psalms 129:8 – “The blessing of the Lord is upon you; We bless you in the name of the Lord!”

These verses and many many more is what I held on to. These verses I would read and try to believe them. It’s very important when reading the word to actually grasp onto the word. Make it yours. These promises that are written aren’t just for your neighbor or for the ones written about many years ago, but for you as well! That was my hardest thing for me to grasp, but after seeing a miracle after the storm I can tell you in all honesty: “It’s not easy, but the outcome is unbelievable.”.

Looking back at these photos I’m in awe. 2017-2019. Two different people in each photo. One (2017) my world had just been crushed. My dreams shattered. My peace, my well being, my own self, had been broken into a million pieces and I was trying to just live. Two (2019) my world had grown a tad larger. I walked many miles, darken valleys, mountains, and same many oceans, with Gods help. I went from totally shattered to slowly being mended. And sometimes it’s good to look back. It’s good to see where you was to where you are now. I don’t forget the pain, I do however live differently in it. I look back to photos before 2017 and see a different person who didn’t know hurt, never knew pain, and I see everything after 2017 at how far I have walked in pain. How much God has shown himself to me. How much I have grown.

This post maybe just for me, but maybe someone out there needs to take a second and look back. Look back and see where God has brought you. Yes I still have anxiety. I still cry. I still am overwhelmed with new dreams and doubts and stresses of life, but today I needed reminded to look back. No matter if your scrapping by or if your living the high life- you need to be humbled enough to remember where you came from.

So before we go into the new year, let’s reexamine our eye site and be thankful for what God has done for us. As my nana use to say to us kids all the time :

Today is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalms 118:24

Hope you had a merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!


Angel mom to Rhett

Rainbow mom to Selah