Today as I was taking down my Christmas tree, (Finally), I broke an important ornament to me. My first “Mom” ornament.
It may not seem like much to others, but that was my first Christmas “Mom” label. It was my first Christmas ornament I put on our tree, (along with Shawn’s 1st Dad ornament), before Rhett was born. So to have it shatter in the box while I was being so careful with it brought me to tears.
As I say at my kitchen table looking at the pieces, trying to see if I could “fix it”. I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn’t. I would have to “toss it away” and have it as only a memory.
Then an idea can to me. Take the broken pieces and place them inside an empty clear ornament I had left over from the year before.
So as I tried to patiently place the small white “snow like” styrofoam balls into its “new” home, it became difficult. They seemed to “run away” each time I tried to pry them from their plastic box.
That’s when God said, “See how they flew in other directions like their scared to go to their new home? They cannot see where you going to put them or what your going to do with them, & you do that too.”
Sitting there at the table, I looked down at these little styrofoam balls amazed. It took something so small to make me see a lager picture…
I was holding on to a “Label”. A “Label” the world sometimes doesn’t recognize. A “label” others think I cannot carry anymore since my child is no longer on Earth. A “label” I cherish, yet brings me great pain. What “label” does God have for me? Am I more than my “label”?
Yes I am a Mom. I am a Wife. A daughter. A sister. A Friend. To God I am more than my “labels”. He sees through them. He sees so much more than what the world “thinks” I am. He sees a warrior, with scars, and baggage. God sees the bigger picture. Yet, I am like the styrofoam. Clinging to the sides of my “use to be” home. Clinging onto “labels” that pain and cherish. God wants to move me from one place to another. With joy, peace, & happiness. I hold him back at times when I run. Unlike myself, he’s patiently waiting on me to sit still so he can pick up one piece at a time.
Sometimes I still try to take control & I get scared when I can’t see the end. If I stop and look back, I can see the mountains Hod has brought me over. The valleys he’s brought me through. The oceans he’s helped me swim. Even though I cry and have fears and hurts, he is still paving my path.
Yes, I have been through “huge, painful,” battles. Yes, I do see myself as a warrior, because I know if I would have laid down and gave up – who knows where I may be…
This hurts. This journey hurts. Life hurts…but in pain there is beauty. I have seen it in the mist of a raging hurricane. And when a hurricane hits land, the eye of it is calm. That is how God is in our storms. We just have to hold on through the winds, rain, & “labels”: in order to get to the all seeing eye; God himself.
This June will be 2 years. Rhett will be 2. And I often think back to the days before he was born and smile with joy, but I know the end the story,(on earth), and it still pains me. God says this is just the “middle” of the story! The end is heaven. Until then we have to survive between the “two gardens” on earth.
(***Lysa TerKeurst has a book called “it wasn’t suppose to be this way” & talks about the two gardens. Check her book out.***)
In all the shatter pieces of my life. My world has crumbled into a zillion tiny pieces. I’ve had to lay dreams down & cry tears I never knew I would have too. I have felt my heart literally crumble within my chest and the breath in my lungs stop. Even though I cannot see Gods big plan, I have to stop and thank him for picking me up.
Picking me up at his feet, because he has made me “Gracefully Broken”.
Have a blessed day.
– Angel Mom to Rhett Alec-
2 thoughts on “Gracefully Broken”
Prayers for you through your journey. I know the pain, heartbreak and tears. My oldest son would be 32 this coming June. He left this world 14 years ago this coming April. I can’t say the pain is gone after this time but he’s in a much better place. I know if not for the good Lord I would surely not be where I am today. He will restore what has been taken although I would have preferred not to be in my 40’s. I suppose the Lord has jokes too 😊. I enjoy reading your blog. It inspires me to look deeper into myself and to be still and listen. I pray God’s blessings to you and thank you for sharing .
Thank you. You touched me in this comment. I too am sorry that you know the pain I write about. Yes your son is a better place. Mine is too. Can you imagine? I understand . If not for God I too wouldn’t be here. I don’t know where I’d be but I know it would be a dark place. Keep hanging on. God will restore us in time. And one day we too will know no pain! Thank you for your kind words and prayers I appreciate them.