Have you ever wondered if the stories in the Bible could actually apply to your life? Maybe you think that those old miracles cannot apply to today’s world. What if I told you that they don’t only apply to us, but we can experience those same works if we only believe.
The story of Hannah has always been one that stuck out to me. It’s been a story that over time, I felt like, I related to. The story of Hannah starts in 1 Samuel 1. She was a woman with a wonderful husband that loved her, and she loved him. There was only one set back for her…. At the time she had no children. She struggled with infertility, or as the Bible puts it “She was barren”. That was a desire of her heart she felt may never be filled. A desire she cried over and she even fell into a depression over. One day Hannah went to church and prayed so hard and so quiet, that the pastor thought she was drunk. He told her- “Go home! God has heard your prayers.” She did, and later she had Samuel. The thing is, she prayed that if God would give her a son, she would give him back to God. Hannah did just that. He was raised in church, by that pastor who once thought she was drunk praying, and she later went on to have other children.
I tell you this story to refresh your memory before I start on with this next paragraph. Hannah went through many emotions before God sent her a son. Many emotions that I can relate to very much. With Rhett I remember praying for him. Praying God would send us a miracle. Back then I was just diagnosed with PCOS and my dreams of a family seemed far away. God pulled thorough and it wasn’t long that Rhett was known. Like Hannah, I had to give my son back to the Lord. A night that I will always remember. The devil tried in that instance to get my eyes off of God. He was trying to break your family, but God came in and put us together again. No my son isn’t physical seen on Earth, but one day in heaven we will be reunited again!
Hannah however, gave her son to God and eventually had more children. (It’s mentioned in chapter 2 or 3.) I always wondered if God would allow for us to be like that as well. I knew other moms and families that experienced loss of a child having rainbow baby’s, and my heart sank. Why would God overlook me? Why would God make me go through such a storm to never bring any joy back into our lives? Many people with infertility knows this feeling. It’s a feeling of dread, insecurity, and even can acted as a depressed state of mind.
As I started having more troubles, more obstacles to face, and overwhelming feelings- I went to the doctor. I was told that I did indeed need help. “Help”. Sounds easy to say and wrote, but that is the hardest four letter word to actually say. I didn’t want to need help. I didn’t want to be any more different than I already was. I didn’t want to have to tell others that I was struggling and needing help. And that’s when my pride stepped in. That’s a powerful thing. Pride can blind you from seeing the “help” God is trying to give you, but like God has been from day one with me – He allowed me to try it my way. I got the medicine needed and I kept it between myself and my husband . No one needed to know. Everything failed. Month after month. Round after round. Failure creeped into my life and broke my spirit down even further.
Then I started to pray more. I changed my way of thinking. I asked God what do I have to do? Do I have to accept that I may never hold another child that is mine in my arms again? Or do I press on and keep taking new medicines, etc. . Then he sent me two verses. 2 King 22:9 “Because your heart was tender & you humbled yourself before the Lord, I also have heard you: says the Lord.” & Isaiah 66:9 ” In the same way I will NOT cause pain without allowing something good to be born, says the Lord.” . It was those two verses that showed me God had not forgotten me or what I have been through. So I pressed on.
A November doctors appointment however set me back to a brokenness. I was told, “If these nexts rounds don’t work, your going to have to look into different avenues. The cost. That’s all I can do.” . I remember being crushed. I drove to a near by parking lot and started to cry. A song called “Head above water” came on and I started to sing it . “God keep my head above, don’t let me drown.” And in that moment that’s how I felt. As if I was drowning in anxiety and worry. I allowed myself to finally start giving that up. I got a bite to eat and headed home. I felt my soul nudging me to put “Miracles by Kari Jobe” on and listen to it. I felt God tell me that “He is the God of miracles. He can do whatever’s wants, I just have to trust him.”
The next day he told me I needed to prepare. I rearranged books, & that Christmas I even went out on a limb and bought a new stocking. God said I had to tell those closest to me about these problems and ask for prayer. It doesn’t seem hard until you actually have to have that conversation. With friends and family told, prayers being prayed from all around, & even my medicine being prayed over before I took it- God tested me one last time. “Sing the song miracles at church.”
That song I had put away, because I didn’t know if I could sing it. God said do it. I put it off a few singing rotations, until I finally said “Ok I’ll sing it.” . In January of 2019, I sang that song. I have never felt God so close during a song as that day. When the song was over, my pastor stepped forward to tell me something. I thought it would be “thanks for singing today”, but that wasn’t what was said. He said, “God has heard your prayers & a miracle is coming your way soon.” Tears flooded my eyes. I didn’t know what to do. As those words which were being repeated again flooded my ears my heart was overwhelmed. I then went to the nursery, where I was to help teach. As my friend started the lesson- she said let’s learn about “Hannah & Samuel”. Tears filled my eyes, as I fought back tears . I felt I was literally living this story out as she spoke it.
A month later, in February, God did just as he promised. 2 years of pain. 2 years of prayers. 2 years of worry. God sent us our very own rainbow baby. Not to replace big brother, but to add on to our family. And just like that, a simple bible story seemed as if I was a “Modern Day Hannah”.
So today after a long blog post, and emotional journey, and a few years of grief, pain, and anxiety- God has shown me what true faithfulness, trust, & grace can go. He also showed me that not only will he keep his promises, but he never forgets us and hears us always.
So if you would, remember us in your prayers because this journey isn’t a easy one. Anxiety is still here, grief still overwhelms at times, and doubts still creep in. God is faithful. And I’ve learned that you have to take it one day at a time.
If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility or loss, share this with them. It is possible for miracles to happen in today’s day and age. We just have to cling to God and he will send them. Don’t give up hope! He hasn’t forgotten you and He does hear you!
Thanks for reading,
– Marli –
– Angel Mom to Rhett & a new Rainbow Mom –