The past few days, months, and almost year, Gods been showing me little things that has just made me see how BIG he is. How good he is. How he truly doesn’t forget us…
Many of you know my story, but for those who don’t I’ll refresh you a little. My husband and I have been married for five years this year, but if someone would have told us that we would walk the path we have : I don’t think we could believe it. Not only what we would face, but that we would somehow survive as well. I was diagnosed with PCOS (officially) in 2015, which has a whole lot of issues at times with fertility, but through it all we was going to have our first child in June 2017; Rhett. However little did we know that we would later loose him due to circumstances that was out of our control.
I felt as a Christian that my prayers should have saved him. That since I knew God could work miracles; that I deserved one from him since I didn’t do anything “wrong”. And too an extent that’s true. My sin, my husband’s sin, our families sins, did not curse us or my son to die. (Although many people think that. Even people in the Bible assumed that to others when a child was poor crippled. But the Bible states that is not true.) But God also showed me that my ways are not His ways; and although it’s not easy, he does have a plan even when it doesn’t make sense and it hurts.
Through the grief, (and I still grieve), I was angry with him. There were moments I’d yell at him, then cry out for him to help me, and I was everywhere in emotions. How could a God who loves me allow me so much pain? How could a God that was suppose to protect me allow me to be shattered ? It’s been 3 years – and I’m still learning those whys… it’s been 3 years now, and he’s showing me those tiny little thinks I told myself I’d never get to see- actually happen… Yes my son is in Heaven. Yes, in 2019 God gave us a bouncing beautiful baby girl. She’s literally everything our hearts needed and then some, but let me tell you how he’s been calling out to me lately.
This week God has just been yelling at me (in a good way). It’s funny how sometimes he does that, like an old friend just bringing up the past. The other day I was reorganizing some drawers. I had all these baby soaps sitting in front of me & God said, “Remember the day you bought that one? You was so upset that you couldn’t buy anything for Rhett so you picked up soap. The lady chatted with you about your child and you acted as if you was fine, but when you got out to the car you yelled at me for taking Rhett. Remember that day?”. Staring down at the soaps before me my heart cried. Those days feel so long ago at times, but days like this week it feels like yesterday. Then he spoke again… “Remember when you told me you thought about giving them all away because you never thought you’d get the chance to use them? Or when you would open the small travel one just to smell that shampoo to imagine what that may be like? Remember?” As God had me remember, it hurt. It was painful remembering those days where I lived in granola bars and water. Sleepless nights from crying. And wondering how I was even alive when I felt dead and they forgot to burry me too… Then he said, “Now look… not only do you get to use these, not only do you get to smell these, I told you it would happen. Now look. Look how far you have come.”
It’s funny when God shows out. He shows out in the little things. He shows out in the smallest details. Just like with the soap. Yes I stocked pile soap three years ago because it made me feel half way like a normal mom trying to care for her child. Yes I cried over soap bottles often, but I have had this soap for three years, waiting for this day… The day God showed out.
Today though hit the hardest. Although I have many moments like the soap incident, tonight God really had me in tears.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans… because he’s got a different path for you I promise.
Tonight after I rocked Selah to sleep, it was a long day of errands and appointments, I laid her down to sleep in her bed. Standing there he said… “Remember the day you screamed at me saying this bed would never be used. How you screamed at me because you felt as if this piece of furniture would just become a dust collector. People told you to take it down, but you couldn’t.” I stared down at the crib, not only was I standing in that exact spot, I could see Gods plan laying in front of me before my eyes, sleeping as if the rain was literally her lullaby, nothing to worry her at all.
My point is, I guess I’m trying to say, that three years ago I had to walk through pain, grief, and whatever else you can label it. I waited three years to see what God could see three years ago. Did I deserve pain? No. Did God cause the pain? No. Just like Job, the pain was caused by the Devil himself. He kills, steals, and destroys like a thief in the night. He doesn’t care what he does to do. Does God allow us to go through pain? Yes. But I heard a lady’s devotional today that said, what if we start seeing pain as a promotion not a problem. That God believes the good in us, and that we will cling to him. That he sees the growth and the statement we can make in this world if we make it through the pain. And if we cling to him we WILL survive. Just like Job. He’s labeled as the saddest story in the Bible. The man who had to live through the worst, but as I heard her speak God showed out . As I heard her read Job’s story: God showed me I was Job. We all are like someone in the Bible. We all can connect to the people because they too had hardships in life just like us. God showed out . God showed up in my life, and although I had to go through the pain , somehow I’m here alive today. Not only am I alive, he’s answered prayers I didn’t believe could happen. He showed me places I was and places I am now, and who knows what’s going to happen in the future but I can assure you I know who holds tomorrow! And I can’t wait for him to show out again….
I know this world has gone crazy. And honestly it’s scary at times to think this is the world our children are in, but God has made it clear that we have to show them him. We have to show them that he does care, that he is real, that he will show up and show out in his timing. I haven’t wrote much because I didn’t know what to say about this sickness. I didn’t know who to believe or what to think. Some say the end of time is coming, other says it’s elections. I don’t know for sure, but one day God will come back I know. If you don’t know him please ask how. It’s not hard, it’s easy! It’s something you won’t regret. Will your life still have pain, yes your human. Will you still struggle, yes your human. Will you have loss, money issues , job worries, decisions you don’t know if there 100% correct- yes yes yes and yes to those questions I didn’t say. But I can promise you- he won’t leave you. He will guide you and protect you.
Today maybe God is trying to show out in your life. Listen. I’m thankful for these moments although revisiting them can be painful, but thank God for how far I’ve came. And one day I will be pain free in heaven and my family will be complete. Until then, I’ll just have to look forward to little moments when God shows out…
Have a wonderful day!
Angel mom to Rhett & Rainbow mom to Selah