(Song in the link)
Two years ago in June, I came a crossed a song called “The Garden”. It was fairly new at the time & to me the melody was soothing, but it was the words that drew me in.
I was deep in grief during this time. I found this song weeks after Rhett had went to heaven, & I was searching for things that could help ease the pain or even compare to it. I would play this song while I cried, while I felt angry, or even when I could feel nothing at all.
Yes, I know it’s “just a song”…but this “song” has changed over the years for me. God has taken a simple song and showed me so much. At first he was showing me that he seen me. That he could feel and understand my hurt, my pain, my loss…. He was telling me that he knew I was searching for anything that could heal my pain; heal my soul….
I would listen to this song and cry out – “Just heal me already!” – “If you see me, then why let me suffer?!”… I couldn’t see what he could see then. I could see the plan he had. I still cannot see all of the plan, however today this song is changing. I don’t just understand “half” of the song, but all of it.
The first part says :
“I had all, but given up. Desperate for a sign of love. Something good, something kind… Bringing peace to every corner of my mind.”
In grief I literally wanted to quiet. I wanted to lay in my bed, hid away from the world, wilt away and never to be found. I didn’t want to try anymore, because trying hurts. I couldn’t feel Gods love in this pain and I wondered what was the point of it? I couldn’t feel the peace of death, I couldn’t understand Gods peace that was being spoken to me. My mind would race, my head would what if, and pain embraces my heart so much….that the pieces of it was shattered everywhere on the floor. Yet, I had no will, no strength to pick them up… That is what that first part means to me…
The second part says:
“Then I saw the garden. Hope had come to me. To sweep away the ashes, and wake me from my sleep.”
You see when months pass during grief, you start to see small small tiny details of love that God has for you. When you cry, he’s there. When your angry, he’s still there. So the tiny pieces of my soul that was crushed so finely – he started to sweep away. To remold me. To remake me. To reform me into something I didn’t know.
But up until two years, I couldn’t understand the rest of the song… I avoid it. I stopped listening to it, why? Because it hurt to much to hope that God actually had a plan of hope for me.
I was struggling with my son’s death. I then struggled with infertility and the unknown if God would even allow us to try again. Even if a child was part of his plan for us…
A year first passed and I listened to the song again. This time I could understand another part of the song. When I realized that I bawled. Thinking why have I doubted God, but he knew I was hurt. God does see that stuff.
We often forget that he hurt many of times. Jesus wept in the garden as he sweated beads of blood while praying that God would come up with a different plan… He was scared and hurting then in the garden. He had people with him but they feel asleep. And that my friends is just like grief. We are in that garden begging God to bring back our loved one. Heal them, save them, or take the grief from us. We have people around us, but after awhile they too fall asleep and we are left alone scared and praying by ourselves…
The third part says:
“I realized, you never left. And for this moment, you planned ahead. That I could see, your faithfulness in all of the grief. ”
That’s when I knew God had a hand in everything Rhett and us went through. God held our hands that day, those months, these years- and he was allowing me to see little things. He showed me that he allowed us to make memories with Rhett in peace – not knowing the outcome. If we would have known we wouldn’t have knew peace and love with him. He planned everything and knew the road we would have to walk. God doesn’t take away, the devil does. He kills, steals, and destroys. God was showing me slowly that he was still there through my fears, grief, and doubts. That he loved me even now.
Part four of the song:
“I can see the ivy, growing through the walls. Cause you will stop at nothing; to heal my broken soul. I can see the ivy, reaching through the walls. You will stop at nothing ; to heal my broken soul.”
Ivy… I knew that ivy was a garden plant that would take over, but did you know that ivy is one of the most hardest plants in earth? Ivy is a plant that can grow even if it’s been knocked down, killed, stepped on, etc., it will find a way back to life. It can withstand cold, heat, & even drought at times. Ivy is tough… so ivy? God is the ivy! Nothing can stop God. Nothing can break God. Even yours and mine broken hearts can’t stop God. Those cracks that the ivy is growing through in this song is God filling my heart. Healing me from within. He was filling me with ivy, to be strong enough to stand one day and tell my story. To be strong enough to stand beside someone else in grief and say, “I know how you feel truly. God does heal.” . Ivy grows towards the sun like a sunflower.
The vines will take off. And it wasn’t until this week that Shawn and I was talking about a vine in my yard that something clicked… Shawn said, “I always thought vines were cool. Mainly because you can take one vine and make it start growing and wrapping around another place in a fence,etc., and make it go where you want it to…” Whoa… light bulb moment happened. If God is ivy, and ivy is a tough plant. God can literally pick and choose what vine goes in what direction in order for healing to occur. So even if I could t see that vine at the time, it was already growing where it needed to be…
Which brings me to the last part of the song.
“Faith is rising up like ivy, reaching for the light. Hope is stirring deep inside me, making all things right. Love is lifting me from sorrow, catching every tear. Dispelling every lie and torment crushing all my fears….. Now I see redemption. Growing in the trees. The death and resuscitation in every single seed.”
Pain brought me to a knew realize of faith. Faith then helped me heal. The God through struggles, planted hope inside me, that showed me his perfect love. Love that then sent us a rainbow. And with this rainbow he has shown me that the devil lies, and God keeps promises. With this knew found faith, God crushed fears (when I allow him- because sometimes I still try to do things on my own…) and he shown me that little things like a blog post, a remembering Rhett’s love box, or even a comment etc, can plant a seed for someone else’s hope to grow. And that may be part of the plan I don’t know… But God does..
In my garden, there was once a hole in my heart, filled with tears of love for Rhett… The hole was muddy, nasty looking even, and my garden looked terrible. Over the years the gardener came in. He tilled the muddy mess, and even though my tears for Rhett still rained, he used it for his purpose. He planted flowers there. Faith, hope, & love. He planted things that would grow and even grew some ivy there too. And over time, my garden sprouted and bloomed. My heart garden looks different now. The tears for Rhett Still water this garden, but it’s no longer a messy muddy hole. I cannot see this garden from Gods view, so I cannot tell you what’s all there. Walking through it, it’s amazing! It looks like a mess at times, but it’s beautiful and perfect. God can take any garden and make it into a beautiful place again. Just like this songs says. This 11th will mark 2years since I set eyes on my precious angel son. But it also marks two years closer to seeing him again. And although he isn’t here physically, he picks flowers often in my garden of love. I believe God let him pick certain kinds of flowers just for me. And until I can see what they see above this world, I will hold on to the hope that God replanted in me… tears still happen… tough days still reoccur, but I know God and I know I will be in heaven one day. But until then I’ll have to talk to the garden in the garden, allowing him to replant, weed, and water this beautiful mess once again.
Angel Mom to Rhett
Rainbow Mom to Selah