We hear it everyday. We ask people how they are and most of them time we hear, “fine.” or “Ok.”. Do we really hear what they are saying though? Do we take the time to watch their faces as they exhale and try to find the breath to utter the words “ok.”? I can remember times in my life I have and had felt this way. It feels just like yesterday in ways; and in others I feel like it every second.
After the loss of our son, I could not fathom how I could function in life ever again. A piece of me was buried June 15th, but a piece of me passed on 3 days earlier. I would wake up, lie in bed for hours; tears streaming down my face not knowing what to do but ask God why. When I would muster the strength up to get up, I would walk to the table and sit down in front of my bible trying to come up with 3 things to be thankful for… Do you know how hard that is? It seems simple, but when your world is crushed, your baby taken away from you, and your heart ripped out- all you see is darkness. I would write daily at least one sentence or word. Most of the time is was, “Why Me God?”.
When I did “get out” people would ask me- “How are you?”. I know they only did it out of love, but I didn’t know how to reply. It took all I had in me to scramble a smile and reply with , “Ok”. I wanted to tell them, “I’m broken. I’m broken in a million pieces. I’m shattered. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I want to cry right now but I’m in a Walmart check out. I’m trying to pull myself together. I’m broken can’t you see?” – But all of that came out as “Ok.”
One day as I was reading, God asked me “How are you?” I replied “Ok.”
So God asked again.
“I asked How are you.”
– “I’m ok.”
God asked me again. This time he added, “I’m a big God. I am strong enough to hear what you have to say. So how are you?”
It hit me finally like a ton of bricks. With God I don’t have to hide behind an “ok.” With God I can tell him “I feel broken.”
It’s been a year and three months since I laid eyes on Rhett. It’s been a year and three months since I held his hand, held him in my arms, & sang to him with him physically here. Sometimes I stop and think “How have I made it through all the OKs?”.
Then I’m reminded of a verse in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 that says,
“ 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
When I am weak, then I am strong…. It hits me every time.
See God has taken my lowest point in my life and he has shown me that through pain, I can walk again because of his strength. I am broken still. There are days I still cannot get up out of bed. There are days I dread the tomorrows- But I know who holds them in his hands. There’s a song that reminds me of just that.
I know who holds Tomorrow:
“I don’t know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
And I don’t borrow from the sunshine
‘Cause the skies might turn to gray.
And I don’t worry about the future,
‘Cause I know what Jesus said,
And today I’m gonna walk right beside him
‘Cause he’s the one who knows what is ahead.
There are things about tomorrow
That I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.
And each step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb.
And every burden is getting lighter
And all the clouds, they’re silver lined.
And, I’ll bet the sun it’s always shining
There no tears will ever dim the eye
And the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains, they touch the sky.
There are many things about tomorrow
I don’t seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.”
Maybe you too are fighting for air when someone asks you how you are. Maybe your battle is too much. Your broken, you feel weak, and you want to give up. I pray that you look to the one who holds all the Tomorrows. Look to the one who knew this moment would come. Remember he can bring peace I can’t even bring to describe. God is the only way I have made it this far. He lets me know I’m not alone and though I feel broken, he can still make me strong. Turn to Jesus. Loosing a child is not what I had in mind when I pictured my life, but then again I was trying to plan my future. It’s not the path I wanted… but I would go back a year & three months and do it all again to live 13 hours with Rhett again. God knew that. God knew I would be here. Don’t be afraid to tell God how you really feel, just remember all you have to do is “Be Still and Let God.”
Angel Mom to Rhett Alec ❤️